Gratitude, Wisdom, and Love

I'd planned to be writing this morning.

It was a drizzly morning today and I was slow moving and absorbed in my thoughts. 

  But the dog hadn't been walked yet. 

That was more pressing than my need to write, thank goodness. I needed to go out and he gave me a reason.

These photos are of wild flowers that are here today, but may be gone tomorrow, 

or in a week or two. 

These days my thoughts turn frequently to the reality of aging, of not being guaranteed a life of health and strength and mental acuity.

I'm changing. Denying it is useless, and yet, denial is a normal stage of recognizing an unwanted truth. So is anger, and grief, and acceptance. I hit all of those every day and sometimes all four within fifteen minutes. 

I'm lucky.

Can I say that? 

Lucky to be confronted with changes from age?

Not so much that, but lucky, never-the-less.

Lucky to be surrounded by love.

Lucky to have good support from so many places.

Lucky to have family who recognize the changes in me while accepting me as I am now.

Lucky to have good therapists and pastors and friends.

"Lucky" is kind of a weird word, really. 

Everyone either ages or dies young so why is it such an affront to be faced with the undeniable truth of it?

 I wanted my body to get old without impacting my mind or my personality. 

That is part of what is hard. 

I wanted my kids to be able to say, "She was sharp until the very end." 

I've loved being able to think well, to ponder ideas, to be able to juggle relationships and tasks at the same time, and to be able to write coherently about things I love, things I think about, things I'm grateful for, things I don't understand yet.

What if that all goes away?

What will be left?

I'm not alone. 

My siblings were together for supper recently and there was so much goodness in that. As the oldest, I'm sure my changes could be a tough reminder for them of what may be ahead. They didn't shy away from the topic. They offered acceptance, love, and wisdom.

Our conversation included...

How do we live with realities we don't choose?

Can we choose to live into those realities as though we did choose them?

Can we accept them and choose to live well in a different way than we had hoped? 

These are some of the things we talked about.

They passed on these questions, along with podcast recommendations, and love.

Our kids have made time to talk with me and prioritize our relationship.

And Chuck. 

Chuck is daily making choices to keep our communication clear and our relationship warm and close.

Soooo, living into this reality of compromised memory brings a lot.

A lot of things I'm grateful for...

as well as anger and grief...

 I don't want to need kindness or help. 

I don't want to forget important things.

I don't want to see sympathy in the eyes of others.

But again, there is gratitude.

I'm being loved well. So very very well.

And intention:

As much as possible, 

I want this part of my life to be marked by 

gratitude, 

wisdom, 

and especially love. 

I want the things I let go of to

be the things that get in the way of 

gratitude, 

wisdom, 

and love.