Questions I ponder:
Do I have to think about this so much because there is something I did for which I need to apologize? Am I too defensive to see my own part in this?
Do I need to think about this so much because I'm afraid to confront the other person about ways they have hurt me?
Do I lean toward apology as an avoidance tactic?
In other words, if it was my fault, then the process is for me to understand that and make it right.
But if the dischord in the relationship is because I have allowed someone else to cross healthy boundaries, then my responsibility is to speak up and to reset those boundaries. That is so hard for me.
Setting boundaries makes people angry. I want to avoid that. So maybe I try to find something I did wrong that I can improve and then I don't have to do anything that make someone else angry with me.
It makes me dizzy just thinking about it. I guess I just have to keep being open to the truth and sooner or later it will come out.
At the same time, there seems to be a healthy place where you say to someone: "this far and no farther", and then don't keep re-evaluating that. Setting that boundary is healthy and continuing to vacillate only makes things worse for the relationship and for me.
And now those of you who know me well are wondering who the difficult relationship is with. That is the good thing about not publishing a blog post right when it gets written. I don't remember who it was about. I could guess, but I don't know.