Moving On

As we have moved into the empty nest time of our lives, I've been hoping for new callings to make themselves evident.  That has been happening slowly, but first maybe I will write a bit about the transition.

Although I won't give details, some parts of emptying the nest were traumatic for everyone involved.  I posted about some of the lessons we were learning in the early part of that time here.  More than a year ago I did my annual review...reading through all my journal entries for the last year to see where I had been and what I had learned.  I was reviewing more than a year's worth of entries, however, because it was more than a year since things had turned rough, and I'd skipped some of my regular review points.  I usually review on my birthday and at the beginning of the year, but I was behind in that process.

Things had been rough in more ways than just with our immediate family.  Other parts of my life and my relationships had gone out of control.  My journal was very difficult to read.  It vividly brought up all the anger and grief I had experienced.  I ended the reading time furious, almost enraged, tied up in knots, feeling like a failure, hyper aware of all the ways I had not been the person I want to be. 

Usually my annual review is an uplifting time full of gratitude.  I'm reminded of all the ways God has been faithful and all the holy moments I have experienced.  Fortunately I had taken the unusual (for me) step of setting aside two days as a spiritual retreat for this annual review.  I took the second day to read the journal again.  Seems counter-intuitive, right?

The second reading was full of grace.  I still saw my failures and my pain, but this time I could also see how hard I had tried, how much I wanted to be on the healing side of the picture.  I could also see God in the picture.  I can't say how thankful I am for the hard Psalms, the not-so-joyful ones.

Psalm 90 in particular really resonated with me during that time period.  It is a tough Psalm recounting a sense of the futility of life.  It ends with a plea:

"Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,

for as many years as we have seen trouble...

May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us;

establish the work of our hands for us---

yes, establish the work of our hands."

That last verse especially was a cry from my own heart, and probably still is.  It seemed that the things I had worked for had failed...partly because of my own mistakes...but also because of how life just seems to happen.  The things I had wanted for the people I love were good things, things I still want for them, for me.  I hope that those things will be established.  But it's not so much in my hands anymore.

Reading through all of that stuff a year ago seems to have been a turning point for me.  It was less like walking through a doorway into a new and brighter room, and more like driving to Colorado.  In the year since that retreat, the landscape has changed.  We got to higher ground without realizing we were climbing.  The hard parts got easier, and other joys took over.  There have even been some peak experiences.

At the end of the two day retreat, the Psalm that I read was Psalm 71, which, coincidentally, is the Psalm of the week for me this week.  It is a psalm the recognizes the hard times but has so much more hope and resolve in it. 

As for me, I will always have hope;

I will praise you more and more.

Gradually, that is the space I have moved into.  I'm still pretty aware of the hard parts, and of my role in those hard parts.  I'm also aware of God's deep deep love.  And I'm getting involved in things that I love, things that I seem to be made for.  Last week's Psalm was 103, which I've decided to memorize.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is his love for those who fear him;

As far as the east is from the west, 

so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

My role has shifted now from active parenting and living through crises of both parenting and of other life issues.  Now I'm more of a cheerleader/sounding board/background prayer provider.  As that has happened, new possibilities are opening up. I'm looking forward to seeing where they lead.