Things to do, Adoption

This is the list of things I would like to have done before tomorrow morning:

1. Clean both showers.
2. Sweep and wash kitchen and dining room floors.
3. Vacuum.
4. Finish grocery list for reception.
5. Clean bedroom.
6. Order materials for Sunday School.
7. Have devotions.
8. Finish the laundry.

It is after 11:00 p.m. so I think I will have to adjust my expectations a bit.

This weekend is the local wedding reception for my son and his wife. Her family and their friends arrive tomorrow and I would have been smarter to work ahead more. I'll probably work for a while more yet tonight, at least finishing the grocery list so that I can get an early start on the shopping tomorrow. Then if I wake up in the night with a "I have so much to do" panic attack I'll just get up and do some more. It would be best to stay away from the noisier jobs until the sun is up :-D

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I've been pondering the reality of adoption lately. Family events like weddings and receptions seem to bring out all the ambivalent feelings. We have had major emotional issues/events this week with each of our adopted children. That is how it has always been. Vacations bring it on. Christmas does too.

I am hesitant to say/write much because of how frightening it is to speak the truth about such a romantic ideal. Our culture has strong and lovely myths about adoption. We rescue innocent babes from terrible fates and our love for them is enough to erase any difficult emotions or behaviors they might carry. They are so happy with this new loving family that there is no room for anger about having once had a different family that sent them away or died or mistreated them. In fact, this new family is so great that they can just forget the other family ever existed.

A complicating factor is that our adopted children would like to live this fantasy. They want to be the children that were born into this family and did not suffer pain or rejection from another family. When they feel anger, it is us they are angry with because we haven't made those difficult feelings disappear. If we were the fantasy family they would not feel different or rejected or sad or angry. They hate it that they had to start out badly.

We are not to tell people which of our children are adopted, or even that any of them are. We are to pretend that there are no losses involved in this process. We are to be understanding and compassionate and deny/ignore the chaos and anger. Somehow we are to be able to distance ourselves from the pain and intensity of it so that we only show loving acceptance and warmth.

Now I do know adoptive parents who have lived out this happy story. I also know adoptive parents who haven't. Adoption is complicated enough that it is difficult, if not impossible, to figure out what exactly goes wrong. There are residual effects from abuse and neglect that our kids suffer from. There are the sins of the parents, both birth and adoptive, that can make things worse. The personality of the child plays its own role.

Sometimes I wonder if there is a more honest and helpful way to talk about adoption. Maybe we should stop thinking of it as an alternative way to have children. If we acknowlege that we are raising someone else's children would that be so bad?

The Bible talks about us as being adopted in to God's family, fellow heirs with Christ. That is as close as we get to equality right there. We are adopted into God's family, which means God had to rescue us from something else.

We are not looking at being equals with Jesus. That is one of the constant problems with adoption is this equality thing. I would go through hell and high water for each of my kids, no differentiation about their origin. BUT, do I feel the same about the children who take me through the hell and high water? No. I wish I was able to, but I am not...yet.

This is one of the most difficult things for me. I'm constantly having to think through this one. Feelings of warmth can't be manufactured. How do you define love? If it is how I feel then I am often on the deficit side. If it is what I do, I still have some problems but I get a bit closer. I show up every day. I am there for the child who never gets in trouble and I am there for the one who leaves the yellow puddles next to the toilet year after year. I probably laugh a good deal more with the one who doesn't get into trouble. But demonstrating love by doing the hard stuff day after day happens significantly more with my adopted children. Cleaning the bathroom may demonstrate love more strongly than laughing together.

There is so much more to think about but I'm crashing, and there is still that list...