Beyond Consequences
Chuck and I were talking about "Beyond Consequences" today. He had been listening to mp3's from the web site on our mp3 player this morning, and I had been listening to the two cds that came with the book. We are both trying to grasp the idea well enough that we can think that way with less effort. Right now it feels like beginning to drive, only harder. When you learn to drive, everything is a conscious decision. Nothing is automatic.
Likewise with changing a parenting paradigm. I have to think through everything I say, and every motive I have for saying it. I'm really glad I'm not homeschooling right now because just getting through the evening with the right attitude is enough to be exhausting.
Anyway, one of the things we talked about was parental attitude. Heather Forbes keeps saying that we each have within us everything we need to parent this way. Chuck went from that to talking about how you have to love others as you love yourself, implying that loving yourself comes first.
I agree.
And I don't agree.
Sometimes the way I get into trouble is by loving myself. I often think, "No one can talk to ME that way!" And then I hand out the rules or the consequences or the control. I'm loving myself but it isn't making a difference. The rules and the consequences and the control just escalate the situation, emotions rise, voices get loud, and we are not on the path to understanding each other or empathizing with each other.
In a way, I think that loving yourself has to be beside the point.
There is a lot of fear in parenting. If we do it wrong, we wreck a person's life. We joke about being the reason our kids will need therapy, but it isn't just a joke. So we turn to experts. And experts tell us that yes, we are the most important link. What we do matters. We have the power to launch our kids to a higher place than we have attained, or we have the power to undermine them until they are unable to function in the real world. Aaaaaggghhhh!
So, when my kid has a problem, I can easily see it as my failure. Then it doesn't take much to become defensive and controlling. I have to 'fix' this kid because that is what a good parent would do. If I can't fix my kid that means I'm a bad parent.
What if we take the blame/guilt out of the picture? What if we see the behavior as a direct result of what is going on in the child instead of as a reflection of our own failure as parents?
So when my child comes home demanding things and is easily upset at even small requests, my thought does not become, "I have to fix this attitude right now or I won't be doing my job as a parent." My thoughts stay with my child. I'm already comfortable in my belief that I'm a fine parent, so I wonder what is causing my child so much stress that he can't cope in a reasonable way. My ego stays out of it. My goal is to understand his feelings and validate them. Once he understands that I don't think he is bad, but that I understand that anyone might feel like he does under the same circumstances, the intensity will be over.
It's not about whether I'm a good parent or not.
It's about how to understand and connect with my child when he is experiencing difficult emotions.
I guess that IS loving others the way I love myself. If I'm having a bad day, I'd rather people believe that I'm a good person who is stressed out and needs some empathy. I react pretty strongly to someone telling me that I should shape up my attitude. I do NOT want to be given any unsolicited advice about what I am doing wrong and how I should fix it. When I get that kind of 'help' it makes me more upset rather than less. I end up writing it off as being uninformed and insensitive to the realities of the situation. So why would my child want any of that?
But it is so hard to break old patterns. I made it through the evening without falling into rules or consequences, but it wasn't easy.
Likewise with changing a parenting paradigm. I have to think through everything I say, and every motive I have for saying it. I'm really glad I'm not homeschooling right now because just getting through the evening with the right attitude is enough to be exhausting.
Anyway, one of the things we talked about was parental attitude. Heather Forbes keeps saying that we each have within us everything we need to parent this way. Chuck went from that to talking about how you have to love others as you love yourself, implying that loving yourself comes first.
I agree.
And I don't agree.
Sometimes the way I get into trouble is by loving myself. I often think, "No one can talk to ME that way!" And then I hand out the rules or the consequences or the control. I'm loving myself but it isn't making a difference. The rules and the consequences and the control just escalate the situation, emotions rise, voices get loud, and we are not on the path to understanding each other or empathizing with each other.
In a way, I think that loving yourself has to be beside the point.
There is a lot of fear in parenting. If we do it wrong, we wreck a person's life. We joke about being the reason our kids will need therapy, but it isn't just a joke. So we turn to experts. And experts tell us that yes, we are the most important link. What we do matters. We have the power to launch our kids to a higher place than we have attained, or we have the power to undermine them until they are unable to function in the real world. Aaaaaggghhhh!
So, when my kid has a problem, I can easily see it as my failure. Then it doesn't take much to become defensive and controlling. I have to 'fix' this kid because that is what a good parent would do. If I can't fix my kid that means I'm a bad parent.
What if we take the blame/guilt out of the picture? What if we see the behavior as a direct result of what is going on in the child instead of as a reflection of our own failure as parents?
So when my child comes home demanding things and is easily upset at even small requests, my thought does not become, "I have to fix this attitude right now or I won't be doing my job as a parent." My thoughts stay with my child. I'm already comfortable in my belief that I'm a fine parent, so I wonder what is causing my child so much stress that he can't cope in a reasonable way. My ego stays out of it. My goal is to understand his feelings and validate them. Once he understands that I don't think he is bad, but that I understand that anyone might feel like he does under the same circumstances, the intensity will be over.
It's not about whether I'm a good parent or not.
It's about how to understand and connect with my child when he is experiencing difficult emotions.
I guess that IS loving others the way I love myself. If I'm having a bad day, I'd rather people believe that I'm a good person who is stressed out and needs some empathy. I react pretty strongly to someone telling me that I should shape up my attitude. I do NOT want to be given any unsolicited advice about what I am doing wrong and how I should fix it. When I get that kind of 'help' it makes me more upset rather than less. I end up writing it off as being uninformed and insensitive to the realities of the situation. So why would my child want any of that?
But it is so hard to break old patterns. I made it through the evening without falling into rules or consequences, but it wasn't easy.
Comments