Should
My retreat is nearly over now, within an hour or two. I think I should have something to show for nearly a week of retreat. I'm sure that it was not a waste. I have had almost no doubts that this was a good choice.
I almost wrote 'the right choice'. That would be a typical thought from this week. Having an extraordinary opportunity like this has been daunting at times. I put a lot of pressure on myself to get things right. Having no one to tell me what to do, I lose myself in questions about what I should do. I don't want to waste this. I don't want to come to the end of it without having made any progress in my life and faith.
Questions surround me.
I know it is important to have a mix of activities, active and contemplative, solitude and companionship, serious and playful, holy and profane (?). There are only a limited number of hours of awake time in each day. How do I create the right balance?
I'm so stuck on this rightness stuff. Sometimes I want to swing the other way and just veg out until I can't stand vegging out anymore. But I know that when choosing between contemplation and movies, tv, eating out, etc. that unless I am firmly committed to 'doing the right thing' contemplation will get pushed to the side. I also know that I love contemplation. It grounds me. It somehow gets me to the truth, or at least closer to it. If I don't do it I suffer.
Why is it so tempting to replace something I love this much with stuff that is fun but doesn't fulfill with the same depth and satisfaction? I'm sure there are a lot of answers to this. Most of them don't matter. What matters to me right now is that at this point in my life I can't just trust that doing what I want to do will end up being healthy. I know that I choose too many things that push out the healthiest things. I don't mean that these things are bad. But it's like choosing a store brand hard and dry cookie that is close to me when there are warm fresh gooey chocolate chip cookies in the kitchen if I just will get up and go get them.
I hate the word 'should' because it always makes me feel guilty. I have been on a campaign for years to replace 'should' with 'want to'. I want to do things out of choice and conviction rather than oughtness. I don't want to take pride in some kind of pseudo-holiness self-righteousness because I always do what I 'should' do. I want to keep some humility about this.
The truth is, when I let this go my attitudes get nasty. I start looking for fairness instead of justice, blame instead of solutions. I'm not doing this stuff because it is holy or righteous. I'm doing it because I'm a mess without it. Sometimes I'm even a mess with it.
I almost wrote 'the right choice'. That would be a typical thought from this week. Having an extraordinary opportunity like this has been daunting at times. I put a lot of pressure on myself to get things right. Having no one to tell me what to do, I lose myself in questions about what I should do. I don't want to waste this. I don't want to come to the end of it without having made any progress in my life and faith.
Questions surround me.
I know it is important to have a mix of activities, active and contemplative, solitude and companionship, serious and playful, holy and profane (?). There are only a limited number of hours of awake time in each day. How do I create the right balance?
I'm so stuck on this rightness stuff. Sometimes I want to swing the other way and just veg out until I can't stand vegging out anymore. But I know that when choosing between contemplation and movies, tv, eating out, etc. that unless I am firmly committed to 'doing the right thing' contemplation will get pushed to the side. I also know that I love contemplation. It grounds me. It somehow gets me to the truth, or at least closer to it. If I don't do it I suffer.
Why is it so tempting to replace something I love this much with stuff that is fun but doesn't fulfill with the same depth and satisfaction? I'm sure there are a lot of answers to this. Most of them don't matter. What matters to me right now is that at this point in my life I can't just trust that doing what I want to do will end up being healthy. I know that I choose too many things that push out the healthiest things. I don't mean that these things are bad. But it's like choosing a store brand hard and dry cookie that is close to me when there are warm fresh gooey chocolate chip cookies in the kitchen if I just will get up and go get them.
I hate the word 'should' because it always makes me feel guilty. I have been on a campaign for years to replace 'should' with 'want to'. I want to do things out of choice and conviction rather than oughtness. I don't want to take pride in some kind of pseudo-holiness self-righteousness because I always do what I 'should' do. I want to keep some humility about this.
The truth is, when I let this go my attitudes get nasty. I start looking for fairness instead of justice, blame instead of solutions. I'm not doing this stuff because it is holy or righteous. I'm doing it because I'm a mess without it. Sometimes I'm even a mess with it.
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