When all is said and done
In the last week we lost a niece and an uncle and attended both funerals. Grief has affected me strangely this time around, with exhaustion rather than tearfulness. One day I had a five hour nap and still slept through the night.
I've done a bit of the 'why' thinking. All those unanswerable questions...
The other thing that death does is sharpen the issue of how one lives one's life. What do I hope will be true of me on that day when no more changes can be made to my history?
Of course funerals don't really give history. Funerals are times when we look for the best in people. That is as it should be. The things we will miss so much are the good things. Those are the things we have to speak of again and again as we realize the loss.
I've accompanied people in grief before. It can be more than a year before they are able to confront the fact that this person they miss so much was hurtful to them sometimes. The funeral is much to soon and too inappropriate for total honesty.
Of course, not everyone has to do this. There are people who manage to treat others well habitually, and who make things right on the occasions when they fail. I don't want to assume that every grieving person will someday think hard things about the person they have lost.
But anyway, I've had to think a lot. What defines my life? When the funeral is over and the honesty begins, will I measure up to my own standards?
I've done a bit of the 'why' thinking. All those unanswerable questions...
The other thing that death does is sharpen the issue of how one lives one's life. What do I hope will be true of me on that day when no more changes can be made to my history?
Of course funerals don't really give history. Funerals are times when we look for the best in people. That is as it should be. The things we will miss so much are the good things. Those are the things we have to speak of again and again as we realize the loss.
I've accompanied people in grief before. It can be more than a year before they are able to confront the fact that this person they miss so much was hurtful to them sometimes. The funeral is much to soon and too inappropriate for total honesty.
Of course, not everyone has to do this. There are people who manage to treat others well habitually, and who make things right on the occasions when they fail. I don't want to assume that every grieving person will someday think hard things about the person they have lost.
But anyway, I've had to think a lot. What defines my life? When the funeral is over and the honesty begins, will I measure up to my own standards?
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