Time In
Everyone knows about time out. Time out can be a short break or it can be a consequence (read: punishment) for misbehavior. It usually involves someone spending a period of time away from the company of other people. We used it quite a bit in our day. We used it more as punishment, at least for the first half of our child rearing years. Now we use it more as a break. If people are getting too intense to speak rationally or respectfully to each other, it is time for time out. The conflict gets set aside for a period of time, with the hope that it will be easier to discuss when heads are cooler.
Time in has a different purpose. It is time purposely spent together. It isn't about doing special things, although that can be involved. It is about being in the same room and being accessible to each other.
Sometimes when kids act out, they are pushing their parents away. Kids with reactive attachment disorder do this a lot. They don't trust their parents to care about them, to do what is best for them. So they push their parents away.
Sometimes they do this by isolating themselves. Sometimes they do this by doing things that are guaranteed to create distance---lying, stealing, manipulating, disrespect... One way to work with this is to not give the distance. Instead, when they are at their worst, require them to hang out with you.
This sounds very warm and loving doesn't it? The earth mother who can see through her wayward child's behavior to the lonely heart inside and can embrace that loneliness, saves the poor child in spite of himself.
It's not so easy. You have to do this when the child is at their most unlovable. Your child will not think this is a good idea, because, of course, he is pushing you away. Why would he want to hang out with you in the kitchen or garden or laundry? So your child pushes you away more---more disrespectful, more demanding, more in your face.
I decided that I would try this method, but that I would give myself a ''time out" if it got to be too much for me. I nearly had to have my time out. Then it got better for the rest of the evening. I have no idea if it was because of time in, or because of some other obtuse reason. I won't complain. Getting better was much needed.
Time in has a different purpose. It is time purposely spent together. It isn't about doing special things, although that can be involved. It is about being in the same room and being accessible to each other.
Sometimes when kids act out, they are pushing their parents away. Kids with reactive attachment disorder do this a lot. They don't trust their parents to care about them, to do what is best for them. So they push their parents away.
Sometimes they do this by isolating themselves. Sometimes they do this by doing things that are guaranteed to create distance---lying, stealing, manipulating, disrespect... One way to work with this is to not give the distance. Instead, when they are at their worst, require them to hang out with you.
This sounds very warm and loving doesn't it? The earth mother who can see through her wayward child's behavior to the lonely heart inside and can embrace that loneliness, saves the poor child in spite of himself.
It's not so easy. You have to do this when the child is at their most unlovable. Your child will not think this is a good idea, because, of course, he is pushing you away. Why would he want to hang out with you in the kitchen or garden or laundry? So your child pushes you away more---more disrespectful, more demanding, more in your face.
I decided that I would try this method, but that I would give myself a ''time out" if it got to be too much for me. I nearly had to have my time out. Then it got better for the rest of the evening. I have no idea if it was because of time in, or because of some other obtuse reason. I won't complain. Getting better was much needed.
Comments