What is adoption?
I had a mom call me today for advice about adoption. She has two sons, ages 14 and 6, and wants a daughter. Her husband sometimes seems ready to go ahead and sometimes does not. She wanted to know what to do.
She kept talking about how if she gave it up she might always resent him. Maybe that is true. But what are her options? Would she really try to go ahead against his wishes?
It was interesting timing because I have been doing a bit of writing on the message board for reactive attachment disorder families about what adoption means. I kept wondering, as I visited with this woman, what her expectations for this daughter were. Would this woman be able to adjust to a different reality than she expected? Would her husband adjust to that different reality if he felt pushed into an adoption he didn't want?
My adoption experience isn't typical. At the same time, adoption is not like giving birth to a baby. We try to pretend it is. We even insert adoptive names into birth certificates as a legal way to pretend that this child never had other parents.
When a child is born, it is born knowing the voice and smell of its mother. Even a child adopted right at birth has a loss to adjust to. And no matter how right it is that this child has a different family, the truth is still that this child has a different family than the one it expected to have.
I find it difficult to hear someone say, "I have two sons and now I want a girl so I am going to adopt one." It sounds like buying groceries. I have two bottles of cola but now I want a root beer.
It is difficult to look at objectively. For someone who really wants children and can't have them, adoption is like a second chance. It is a gift. John McCutcheon even has a song about it how this family all came together by choice and it is such a happy thing.
But as a cyber friend wrote on the message board, "Adoption is built on the pillars of loss." My boys needed a family. We became that family. But what they really wanted was to not need a family, to not be somehow rejected or given up. I know they are glad they have us. I am glad I have them. But it isn't the picture that I have when I think of what the woman on the telephone was talking about today.
One of my sons plans to change his name back to his birth name. I have come to understand that this is not a rejection of us. It is a way to tell the truth. He is saying that he is that person. He is saying that he wants me to love him as that person. He is saying that as that person, he loves me. He is saying that he doesn't want to deal with pretending that he came from my womb, and that he doesn't need to do that in order to be part of my family (whatever 'family' means). Maybe he is also asking me if I can still love him even if he isn't 'mine', if there is nothing about him that even sounds like 'mine'.
So anyway, as usual, there are many things to think about.
She kept talking about how if she gave it up she might always resent him. Maybe that is true. But what are her options? Would she really try to go ahead against his wishes?
It was interesting timing because I have been doing a bit of writing on the message board for reactive attachment disorder families about what adoption means. I kept wondering, as I visited with this woman, what her expectations for this daughter were. Would this woman be able to adjust to a different reality than she expected? Would her husband adjust to that different reality if he felt pushed into an adoption he didn't want?
My adoption experience isn't typical. At the same time, adoption is not like giving birth to a baby. We try to pretend it is. We even insert adoptive names into birth certificates as a legal way to pretend that this child never had other parents.
When a child is born, it is born knowing the voice and smell of its mother. Even a child adopted right at birth has a loss to adjust to. And no matter how right it is that this child has a different family, the truth is still that this child has a different family than the one it expected to have.
I find it difficult to hear someone say, "I have two sons and now I want a girl so I am going to adopt one." It sounds like buying groceries. I have two bottles of cola but now I want a root beer.
It is difficult to look at objectively. For someone who really wants children and can't have them, adoption is like a second chance. It is a gift. John McCutcheon even has a song about it how this family all came together by choice and it is such a happy thing.
But as a cyber friend wrote on the message board, "Adoption is built on the pillars of loss." My boys needed a family. We became that family. But what they really wanted was to not need a family, to not be somehow rejected or given up. I know they are glad they have us. I am glad I have them. But it isn't the picture that I have when I think of what the woman on the telephone was talking about today.
One of my sons plans to change his name back to his birth name. I have come to understand that this is not a rejection of us. It is a way to tell the truth. He is saying that he is that person. He is saying that he wants me to love him as that person. He is saying that as that person, he loves me. He is saying that he doesn't want to deal with pretending that he came from my womb, and that he doesn't need to do that in order to be part of my family (whatever 'family' means). Maybe he is also asking me if I can still love him even if he isn't 'mine', if there is nothing about him that even sounds like 'mine'.
So anyway, as usual, there are many things to think about.
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