Holding on

I've been waking up at night a lot this year, 

stewing over things I can't control, trying to figure out some way I could control them. My body has taken on the stress enough that I can feel it, even in times when I am busy, and focused on the tasks at hand. The tight stomach is a telltale sign that even if I'm not actively thinking about those things, I have not yet been able to release them.

One of the ways I've handled this is to obsess about things I could do to make it different. 

That hasn't been helpful.

But, there is something that has been helpful.

Praying written prayers, prayers taken from the Psalms and from other parts of the Bible, this action speaks truth to the anxiety. 

The tightened stomach loosens. 

My idle thoughts do not turn back to the hard things. 

I regain the sense that I can't know the outcome, but I can believe that it will be OK somehow.

Last Sunday morning in worship, the two scripture passages were Psalm 103 and Habakkuk 3:17-19.

The first is a glorious hymn of praise to God listing out the many things God does for us out of infinite love beyond anything we can comprehend.

The second is a clear-eyed commitment to hold on to God, even when everything goes wrong, because even then, God is our strength.

As Pastor Anita preached this sermon, she spoke of how the practice of being thankful in the first way can lead us to the clear-eyed commitment voiced in the second. That resonates with how the practice of praying the written prayers has changed things for me.

Psalm 103 has been a favorite of mine for a while now. I memorized all but the last couple of verses several years ago, and when Dad died, it was a comfort to me. It lists out many things God does, and how God's character is revealed by those actions. 

For as the heavens are high above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear Him.

As far as the east is from the west, so far he removes our transgressions from us. 

As a Father has compassion for his children, so the Lord has compassion for those who fear Him.

For he knows how we were made, he remembers that we are dust.  

There is this and so much more.

Reminding myself of these things regularly

brings me to the place where I can say with Habakkuk that even though things aren't resolved,

even though I can't see the way that they will be resolved,

I can see who God has been in the past and continues to be,

I can let go and find my strength in God.